[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:05] Speaker B: Welcome to disability Empowerment now. I'm your host, Keith Madi Consini. Today on a special post Valentine's Day episode entitled Deaf and Dumb. But I'm back with the always lovely engrached Cat Stratford, who is the only guest to have spent all four seasons of this podcast. Cat, welcome back.
Hi.
[00:00:52] Speaker A: Thank you so much. Like you said, this is my fourth episode with you guys and I'm so excited to be here. If you haven't heard me before, my name is Kat Stratford and I work in homeless outreach for the city of Tucson. But more specifically, I work for council member Paul Cunningham over on Tucson's east side. And I really love the work that I do because every day is just different. Some days, like today, I will be just. Just hiking through washes and visiting encampments. Other days I'm on phones, sending emails, trying to get people's services restored or saving other people from eviction. Just doing those kinds of different work. Today was a field day. Hence the glamorous hairstyle.
But the thing that I really love about this job is that I do it all while deaf and disabled.
[00:01:42] Speaker B: I would.
This episode was under better circumstances.
The title of the episode literally gave it away. I won't respect that. You don't want to get too much into the actual nitty gritty details of the breakup, but talk about a subject that happened throughout the breakup and afterwards, that it's all the more important. Important.
[00:02:27] Speaker A: Absolutely. So like you said at the top of the episode, this episode is called Deaf and Dumped because I am deaf and I have been dumped. And the reason that we decided to do this episode is because you had reached out several months ago to the group chat asking both my ex partner and I if we would like to come back on the show. Because the last two episodes that I was on, I was on with my partner and we were talking all about what it is like for a disabled person and an abled person to be in a relationship. All of the cute, wonderful things, as well as all of the challenges.
We were obviously super duper in love, or at least I was.
And it was a lot of fun. We sort of became like the poster children for the perfect disability pride couple.
So when you reached out, I was like, I've got some bad news, Keith. And so I. I texted you personally to tell you what has happened. And I can see that my cat in the background is trying to make some mischief.
Sorry about that, but cat with the cat.
[00:03:38] Speaker B: How ironic.
[00:03:41] Speaker A: Absolutely.
But so, yeah, so I reached out to you personally and then we had several discussions about what me coming back on solo would look like. And ultimately, because I'm in a support group for other people with my same condition, and I saw no less than six other people go through the exact same thing that I did in just a few weeks. And I don't know if there was something in the water during the end of last year or what was going on, but it was horrible to watch it happen to other people. It was horrible to have it happen to me. And I realized that I had a little bit of an opportunity to maybe share what that looks like and, you know, share my share these experiences in a way that can be valuable and empowering for the community itself.
[00:04:35] Speaker B: You mentioned that you and your then partner were really kind of the perfect version of the disability pride couple, and I will admit that's absolutely correct. And no one who saw your pictures in videos on Instagram or social media or looked at these past episodes would doubt that.
As a fellow romantic, I got so happy seeing one of my best friends who deserved the world, so happy and so in love. So there wasn't a front being put up at all.
It was very real and very loving. I mean, you went through hell, but so did your kids.
And I mean, this wasn't just the breakup of a relationship that until very recently was heading further and further deeper.
This was the breakup of a family of almost four years.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: Yes, it was indeed like absolutely the breakup of a family. And that there's nothing for it. It really sucked. But yeah, like it truly was the breaking up of a family because, you know, the kids went through a lot of their adolescence in a house where he was, they called him dad. My son is trans and has not necessarily gotten the support that he deserves from his biological father and his family. And he was getting all of that and more from this stepfather figure. My daughter was also powerfully impacted by this. They both, like I said, they both called him dad. And this was just a really horrible, devastating loss. And when you look at any kind of breakup, there's always a million little things that you are going through. You're taking care of the kids, you are moving into a new place.
What does that look like when also there's one person's income is now vomitus. Like it's gone.
What, what does that, all that look like, especially through the lens of being disabled?
You know, for, for us, doing just the regular day to day can be challenging. But when you look at the little, the little heartbreaks that every single human goes through, and you think about it as like being disabled, it, it changes. The reason that I wanted to share pieces of my story and share the parts that I thought would be valuable to the community is because if you are in a relationship with an abled person as a disabled person, there is absolutely a caregiving sort of dynamic in that relationship. There are days, not today, but there are days when I am completely, completely deaf and even hearing aids can't help. There are days when I cannot walk, there are days when I cannot move. There are days when I do nothing but be sick.
And on those days I had somebody in my corner and now I'm figuring out what that looks like solo.
As you know, I have already had one pretty big trip to the hospital over New Year's and I did that.
My coworker actually drove me to the hospital and that's what that looked like. But you know, I dread the idea of like what if I had been home by myself?
What would that look like? And I think those are questions that every disabled person has to face when they are going through such an ordinary thing as a breakup.
[00:09:23] Speaker B: You guys were together for a long time and he saw you become disabled and so he saw you as both an evil bodied partner and disabled pod. Now I don't know why I choked on that word right there but speaking from going through breakups myself and the feeling of lack of self love or am I enough? Will I ever be enough?
And you just talked about caregiving and it's really ironic that he knew exactly what he was signing up for because he was there at the very, very beginning of it.
And so that doesn't make sense.
Nothing about this makes sense. But in terms how would you self love impacted throughout the breakup and coming to the other side of it, I.
[00:11:11] Speaker A: Mean it was a pretty hellish several months and I, to be honest, I'm not completely over it. I spent a long time meditating on how this episode would look and in fact this is not even the first time that we've tried to record it. No, but we wanted it to be right. And so it was worth the effort to like really be thoughtful about what that would look like because it, it is my story, but it's also not just my story.
Like you mentioned the feeling of not feeling enough, not feeling worthy feeling. I, I definitely went through moments of feeling worthless. But the thing that I really came away with this from this was not that I'm not enough, but too much. And I feel like when and I don't feel like I know, I know that my, my friends in my support group were also being told that their disability was too much. Caring for them was too much. It was too much hassle, too much work, too much drama, too much maintenance. They needed less, and they go out and they find less. And, you know, when we are left for less, that is a very scary, very depressing concept. It is. You know, of course, heartbreak is heartbreak in every circumstance and is horrible, and it's awful, and it can be traumatic, but to do it disabled just adds a difficulty level. It adds, you know, it can be potentially dangerous. And so I wanted to give a voice to that. And because I know that I'm not the only person going through this, I'm not gonna spend a lot of time dunking on my ex because I am truly grateful for the. The beautiful moments that we had together. I really am.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: You guys had a lot of beautiful moments together.
[00:13:15] Speaker A: So I'm not. I'm not gonna dunk on him too much.
But I will say that he did. He did find somebody who is abled and, like, at the end made comments like, she can hear all these things. You can't.
I wound up finding a playlist of love songs that he had made for that person. And I. It was awful because he had never shared music with me because I'm deaf. There were a million little moments like that that just felt like death by a thousand cuts. And I know that as much as that sucked, I'm not alone in that.
And if you are out there and listening to this and going through something similar, like, I. I hope that the thing that you take away from this, because I, speaking as somebody who was once one half of the perfect disability pride couple, that's not true. I was not one half of two people. I am still me. I am one person. And if you are out there listening to this, you are still you.
No matter how much it hurts, you are still you. And you still are enough. And you still are full of worth.
You were born to be different. We were born to be different.
Born to be more.
Born to be. Extra. Extra. Read all about it. Extra.
We are newsworthy. We are worthy. Is. Is what I want people to take away from this. Like, no matter how bad that breakup was, no matter what they said, what they did, no matter how it made you feel, we are worthy and we are enough.
And we are not too much. We are just Extra.
[00:15:08] Speaker B: Very words said. Almost teared up listening to your great speaker.
What would you like?
And again, I don't want you. I don't want to play too much into this but you're going through this breakup of this long standing relationship. I hope you mommy saying you thought this was it for you. And I mean, going through that heartache is enough, it's more than enough. But to see your children go through it too in their own way and have to balance both, it's something that I can't speak to, but I'm sure also it's more common than people realize.
What would that like?
[00:16:34] Speaker A: Well, I mean, this is also a pretty common occurrence. Disabled people tend to make less money than their abled partners. And that was absolutely the case in my household. The breadwinner was gone and we couldn't afford to keep the fancy place that we had been living.
We found a nice little place down the street so that the kids could stay in their schools. I really wanted to keep things as similar as possible. I wanted things to change as little as possible for them. Which is of course an impossible ask because the whole world just kind of exploded and now we're moving on top of it. But so I found within my budget a nice little two bedroom.
But because I wanted my kids who are like, I have a teenage boy and a teenage girl, I wanted them to each have their own rooms still because that's what they had at the last place. They each had their own room. So they have the two bedrooms upstairs and I have kind of a hybrid living room, bedroom situation downstairs. And we're making it work like that. That's just like geography.
But it's, it's still difficult. You know, it was a big loss in terms of like emotional stuff. I'm in therapy, the kids are getting into therapy.
So, you know, we're trying to do our best to support ourselves. For me, it was imperative that I get some support from a therapist pretty quickly because the one thing that I couldn't afford was to have myself break down when I need to be showing my kids. What you do in this situation, you know, like it's really. Nobody gives you a manual for how to model a breakup for your children.
[00:18:27] Speaker B: No, no.
[00:18:29] Speaker A: Yeah. For some reason that one got lost in the mail. But yeah. But since I was having to model this breakup for the kids, I wanted to show them how to do it right, or at least as close as I could get it to right. And so, you know, that meant moving into a smaller place. It meant, you know, like I had already been saving pretty diligently. So like we were able to do all that. But that's not the reality for so many people. Like we got, we were lucky. We Were lucky that I was able to save. We were lucky that I had the savings when this happened. We were lucky that we found a place, we were lucky that we got approved. You know, a million little things worked out for us.
Other people with disabilities who are left by their partners in this way don't necessarily have that lucky streak. And I really wanted to take up a little space in this area in order to create space for other people going through the exact same thing.
[00:19:28] Speaker B: Before we get to that, quick shout out to the life saving efforts of being in therapy. It's not for the faint of heart, of course, but really everyone should be in therapy. Therapy should be mandated. I mean, that's my viewpoint, but yeah, I'm so glad that you got into therapy, that you got your kids that support they needed or beginning to need. And so just another quick shout out to the tight lit value of therapy, particularly when you need it.
[00:20:35] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, and that's another thing. I was lucky that I was able to get into therapy very quickly. I don't, I'm still not even sure how I manifested that because, you know, I had been on a wait list for a really long time. My kids had been on wait lists. And during the breakup I just, I knew I had to hustle to get there faster. And so we did. It was a combination of luck and tenacity. But, you know, everyone's in therapy now and it, it has been a wonderful part of my healing in the aftermath of this. So I, I can't say enough about it. Yeah, shout out to the life saving efforts of therapy. Like it is. It really is.
[00:21:18] Speaker B: So what were you saying before we did that shout out?
[00:21:25] Speaker A: Oh, gosh, I am. So we were talking about moving and what that looks like in the finances. You know, anybody who has done work within the disability community knows that financial constraints are a huge, huge concern for people who are receiving disability benefits. There is a limit of the amount of money that they are allowed to have at any time. And it is a, it is a shockingly low bar.
Really does handcuff so many people to where they're living, to being in crummy circumstances. It keeps them in these impossible situations that make it that much harder to be disabled. It reduces your quality of life because you simply cannot afford nice things. Like, I am currently dodging these, this bouquet of flowers that's in my screen because I am able to buy myself flowers every Friday. Like just a, it's just a bouquet from the grocery store. But like, I'm able to do nice things for myself. And that is not a universal truth. A lot of people losing a partner is losing everything.
[00:22:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:40] Speaker A: So. And that is the main thing that I wanted to give a voice to, was that as much as this sucked for me, I'm pretty lucky and I want to just use my voice to uplift others.
[00:22:55] Speaker B: So talk more about what you learned through the experience of others in the support group while you were going to this breakup. And what, if I may be so bold, what a lifeline that was to know that you weren't alone while your world was falling apart and while you were picking up the pieces.
[00:23:44] Speaker A: To be honest, I think what it, the what I got out of my support group in those moments when other people were sharing their own stories of being left by a partner.
And this also was happening at Disability Pride Day. We, we had a lot of conversations with a lot of people who had gone through the whole thing. I have a co worker who has gone through something similar and I think what I really, really took away from so much of, of that, from those conversations was that I was able to like, give people like a place to listen. I was able to be supportive. I don't know why that I find that to be healing to support other people who are going through the same thing that I am. For some reason that makes me feel empowered and healed. And so that for me was really helpful. Also, obviously knowing that I wasn't alone was helpful, but it was also kind of inspiring and gave me this sort of call to action because, you know, everybody is a future disabled person. And at one point I was not disabled. Now I am. And I didn't know until I knew how much my, my brothers and sisters in the disability community are going through every single day.
[00:25:14] Speaker B: Yeah, we got.
Sorry to interrupt. We got a lot more clothes and advocating colleagues when you became disabled yourself. Not that I'm throwing shade on your able bodied self and how you treated me while you were able bodied, I'm not doing that at all. But that camaraderie you judge hit on is very important to give voids to.
[00:26:04] Speaker A: Yeah. And to be honest, I will shade myself for how I treated disabled people before becoming disabled myself. I don't, I don't think I was ever intentionally ableist, but I know because I grew up in a world that is ableist, that I have that internalized. I grew up with all of that privilege and none of the, of the like actual challenge of being disabled. So I didn't understand until it happened to me and that did change how I behave. And that's A constant journey. Because anybody who is like watching this or listening to this can see that, you know, I am able to pass for abled most of the time. A lot of the time, like, and that gives me so much privilege. And with that privilege comes bias. And I think in order to really grow and be an effective advocate, you have to be open to hearing that you do have internalized bias and that you've still got a lot of room to grow.
The way that I look at it is that this is a journey where I'm always going to be learning, always going to be improving. And I hope that where I'm at right now is hitting the mark for somebody who needs it.
[00:27:21] Speaker B: Very well said.
So what would the journey like, not only going through the breakup, but getting to the proverbial other side or as much as you have been able to do? What would that like?
[00:27:54] Speaker A: Well, it's still an ongoing process. I will say that I go to bed every night still. And I, I'm not a religious person, but every night I kind of just say a little prayer to whoever is out there in the universe that today will be the last day that I am feeling so sad about this and the next day is always just a little bit better.
But I mean, and I think that's how these journeys go it. Like I, I read someone said on Reddit or something like that, I read that the first three months of a breakup are all about survival. Sorry, I don't know why I tripped over that so much, but the first three months of a breakup are all about survival. I have now survived the three months and then some and you know, we've gotten past survival mode and we're back into like living our lives and stuff like that. That's all good and, but you know, it, the beginning was really bad.
Like I, I, I honestly like felt like I had been physically injured somehow. For the first couple of weeks I, I was, could barely get out of bed, couldn't stop crying, shaking. It was almost like I was sick, like physically ill.
And I, oh gosh, the anxiety was horrifying because as I mentioned, you know, we took not just an emotional hit, but a financial hit, a health hit, you know, losing a caregiver, losing the breadwinner, losing the home, the house that we'd called a home that we poured so much love into.
All of that, absolutely devastating. I'm, I'm not surprised at all that I was shaken up and physically ill from it.
[00:29:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:50] Speaker A: And it caused a lot of flare ups with my disease as well. I have Meniere's disease, as you know, but maybe listeners don't. I have bilateral Meniere's disease and vestibular migraines, among several other fun conditions.
And I had been in remission for a long time, but this pulled me straight out. Stress will do that to you. And I began having attacks again. And one of those attacks, as we mentioned earlier, was so severe that it put me in the hospital.
So that's kind of what it looked like.
[00:30:28] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, we were talking about not too long ago how your partner saw you as both the able bodied partner and the disabled part. Now, he was there at the very beginning, so he knew what he was getting into. And Iran, ironically, as we also hit on, is that the vats majority of our non disabled peers right now will eventually, in one way or another become disabled themselves.
[00:31:33] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:31:34] Speaker B: Including probably your ex partner.
[00:31:39] Speaker A: Yes. No, everybody eventually becomes disabled.
[00:31:43] Speaker B: And so that's a little irony there.
[00:31:51] Speaker A: Yeah. It is nice to know that no matter what, karma will eventually come around, I guess.
[00:31:56] Speaker B: Yes, Yes. I would try to figure out a way to say that. And you'd say wait right in it. Thank you.
[00:32:09] Speaker A: Yeah. One thing that I have told myself in all of this, because there are so many moments when you're going through something where you are. Where you just have like a moment where you are filled with like kind of almost irrational anger or sadness or grief about the situation and how unfair it is and everything like that.
And one thing that I've kind of told myself is like, he wanted less, he went and found less. And you know, he will have to deal with those challenges when they come up either with his new partner or with him. Like.
[00:32:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:47] Speaker A: Because nobody, nobody stays able bodied forever.
No gravity comes for us all.
[00:32:55] Speaker B: Yeah. And we're made to do that. I mean, that's why in marriage vows there are always in sickness and in health.
It's like, what have you been able to give back to the support group?
And the members in that group who are going through similar things, all are scared that any day now their part is going to decide, oh, well, I've had enough time to mosey along and find someone like me and not like them.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: Yeah.
So in like. And I want to say that the condition I have, Meniere's disease, is not something that people are born with.
As far as I am aware, there is no genetic or hereditary trait that it's associated with. It is something that happens to some people it happens after like a car accident or a head injury. Some people it happens after a virus or if you had many ear infections as a kid, for me, it just happened. And that's another thing that can happen. Sometimes your immune system just decides to like be kind of a dick. And that, that is what happened to me on multiple fronts. I have several autoimmune conditions because once, once your immune system decides to be wild, it, it doesn't stop. So, so this is something that just happened to me. And similarly in my support group is something that happened on later in life. Most people with Meniere's disease are actually a little bit older than me upon their diagnosis. And a lot of the people in my support group joined the support group because they're new in their diagnosis and they are looking for support and help and medication and guidance because this is a rare disease.
There are fewer than 200,000 cases a year. What I have, bilateral Meniere's disease is even rarer, affecting only about 10% of patients with Meniere's disease. And so because I've had it since 2020, I have like a whole regimen. I've got my emergency meds, I've got my doctor, I've got my audiologist, I've got my cute as a button pink hearing aids that were wildly expensive and not covered by insurance because that's another thing about being disabled is it's spendy.
And so one thing that I'm able to give back in my support group is my list of emergency meds and how I'm storing them. Like I think I'm still wearing, I'm still wearing a scopolamine patch which helps with anti nausea and dizziness.
And like I have these little keychain capsules that hold emergency meds. My co workers all know which, which one holds which med and what to give when and all of that is.
[00:36:31] Speaker B: Your co workers are really awesome by the way. They are juds.
And you'll appreciate that. The cat's meow.
See what I did there?
[00:36:48] Speaker A: They're the kittens, this is for sure.
And oh shoot. They listen to this show and they're gonna hear I said that trat.
I'll. I'll give it to him this time. Especially Ted Brzelski Shout out. He is the co worker who drove me to the hospital over.
[00:37:04] Speaker B: Not supplied there.
[00:37:08] Speaker A: Yeah. So but like you know, I have this very specific regimen and and so it is kind of. I have like almost practically a copy pasted thing that I, I send to every newcomer looking for help. But moreover, when people, when I saw people start commenting about breakups or relationship difficulties, about partners Leaving. There were even a couple instances of partners who were doing the leaving, joining the support group to like, ask, kind of like, would I be the jerk if I leave my partner? Because this disease is just too much for me to deal with. And it has been somewhat healing to help other people going through the same situation that I'm going through. To be able to yell at somebody who is doing what my ex did.
[00:38:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:02] Speaker A: You know, these things are helpful. I feel like in so many ways, you know, I, like, this carries over to a lot of pieces of my life. Like, I. I have two kids and I feel like I heal some of my own childhood wounds by trying to parent them through situations that I went through in adolescence and trying to do it in what I feel is the right way. Here in my support group, I'm doing the same thing. I'm like gentle parenting people through their breakup. And that feels healing to me to be able to use my experience as something that could help somebody else. And that is the entire reason why we're recording this show.
[00:38:42] Speaker B: Yeah. And I just think that to.
Do you want to talk about the Fitch tank incident?
[00:38:59] Speaker A: Oh, gosh, the fish tank incident. Yes, we should. We should. Okay, so viewers at home, here's a fun story.
This is just like a funny little.
[00:39:10] Speaker B: Highlight on the fun part.
[00:39:15] Speaker A: Yeah. So again, I. I said at the beginning I wasn't gonna dunk on my ex too much, but one kind of goofy thing that came out of the breakups are just messy and sloppy and nobody's doing them right. Nobody's doing them wrong. There's not like a right way to. To do this. It's always horrible and hurtful and no fun at all for anyone. But during this breakup, my ex, for whatever reason, he is actively moving out of the house that we shared. He won't be coming back until, like, me and my children are gone. So I couldn't figure out why he was setting up a fish tank. He'd set up a little, I think it was like a 5 or 10 gallon tank for betta fish. And I. I kept asking, why are you setting up a tank? And he just kept responding that I like fish. And I think this was sort of his way of trying to, like, make it up. But I. I really didn't need any additional pets to take care of or another tank. I have a couple tanks at work that I take care of. And so I didn't really need a fish tank at this place that I wasn't going to be able to stay in.
But the funny thing is I am deaf and I have. I had always relied on my very much hearing partner to let me know about sounds happening. Like if there an ambulance driving by in the neighborhood, there's no way I'm going to hear that. But he would tell me those things.
Fish tanks also make noise, but normally I can't hear those noises. But one day I should also mention I have cats.
When I was with my partner, we had three cats together and they would drink the water out of this fish tank. And so eventually the water started getting low. There were no fish in this fish tank, by the way. No fish were harmed in the making of the story.
This was just a tiny tank with a little bubbler, a little treasure chest and a little ball of moss or something in there. And so like, eventually the water started to get low and one day I came out of the bedroom and I could. I could tell that there was a noise happening, but I couldn't tell what, where, or like I. I just knew that there was something happening in like, in the common area of the house, but I couldn't tell. Kitchen, laundry, living room. Like, I couldn't tell. So I finally had to hop on Snapchat and video call a friend and be like, okay, I'm over here. Is it louder here? Is it loud? And we eventually sussed out it was the fish tank. The cats had drank the water so low that the air pump was like trying to. I don't know, the air pump or something was making a bunch of noise.
And so. And it was apparently like kind of screaming. It was like a scream noise, but I couldn't hear it at all. It wasn't until I, like listened to the video back through my hearing aids using Bluetooth that I could hear like, oh my gosh, that's ridiculous. But that is like just one of those fun little things that you never think of. Like, what is it? Like your partner who could hear leaves, and now you're left chasing fish tanks by yourself.
[00:42:42] Speaker B: Chasing fish tanks, trying to ditch plain naughty cats getting in to things they shouldn't. It's incredible.
So I know you said you're still not to that sin. I don't blame you with the length and deepness of the connection there.
But from a outsider's point of view, you seem like you're in, I hesitate to use this phrase, much better plates now comparatively.
[00:43:42] Speaker A: So, yes, you can see me in the beginning.
[00:43:48] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. And it would quite a shock.
Talk about where you are now and the whole process of having to go through that and hopefully encouraging others that. And they are going through that.
That it is.
[00:44:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
So. All right. Even just, like thinking about those early days has me a little misty.
[00:44:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:44:32] Speaker A: Because it was really, really hard. It was. It was really challenging, really devastating stuff. And I think it takes. There is, like, a certain period of time that it takes, or at least it does for me. This is. Is. Doesn't have to be universal, but for me, it took a long time to get to where I'm accepting that not only is this breakup happening, but it's a good thing that it's happening. Like, I would hate to have had it happen at 45 instead of 39. You know, I. I would hate to be further down the line, more invested. You know, I was looking at things like getting married and buying a house together.
[00:45:11] Speaker B: Yes.
I would try to hint at that before, but I didn't want to bring it up uneducilly.
[00:45:25] Speaker A: Yes. So we were, like, we were actively talking about getting engaged, getting married. The kids really wanted us to get married, and we were teaching you about it.
[00:45:38] Speaker B: Doing ring watch on other couples and while we were doing it on YouTube. That sounds really strange, but. Yeah, I mean, it was.
That's why the whole thing was a shock.
[00:46:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
Yeah. And like I said, like, the first part of that was surviving and learning to accept, you know, like, I basically had this entire future world that I had created in my mind, this vision for what life was going to be. Letting go of that dream, taking it apart like some kind of Lego set was a difficult, time consuming process, but you do have to do the work of, like, sitting with it, letting it go, and it sucks. And I'm even getting misty just thinking about it. But, like, it does. It sucks to let go of that dream. Where I'm at now is that dream is gone.
It's hard to imagine now looking back, wanting some of the things that I so desperately wanted. Yeah, that's. That is like a shocking turnaround and.
[00:47:02] Speaker B: That all of your friends wanted and hoped you would have. Because to go back to what we said earlier, that vision of the Puffin, a perfect disability pride couple, and I mean, hey, Vincent's good. Vince gives me hope. This can walk out for a person and there's no one more worthy than you can.
But it's like, yeah, I mean, that's a remarkable turnaround that you were just talking about.
[00:48:04] Speaker A: And I love that you brought up. Yes. I was getting teased pretty relentlessly about, like, where's the ring? When's he popping the question?
Stuff like that.
[00:48:13] Speaker B: I was teasing another, like, we Talked about PB and yeah, so, yeah, everyone was teaching you. Everyone was teaching him. It was the words kept secret ever among your friend group. And.
[00:48:48] Speaker A: Yeah. And you know, like, I think a lot of people from the outside looking in and even just from my own perspective, like, it was such a tidy, nice little love story. You know, I am an outspoken survivor of sexual and domestic violence.
Single mom of two kids. You know, I had kind of a harrowing origin story. And so. And then of course, I became disabled.
And so I think people, like, from the outside and I also wanted to see me have a big win. And this relationship seemed like the biggest, biggest win.
And ultimately, looking back now with the, the clarity of hindsight, I'm so glad that it wasn't the win that I settled for. I really am. And I hope, I. I really hope that if there's like somebody out there listening to this who is going through something similar and is having trouble, you know, letting go of that, that dream of a future, letting go of that connection to that person, like, I just want to say, like, it does get better and it takes so long and you do still deserve that tidy, happy ending and you still deserve love and you are still worthy. You are more than worthy.
It's just not going to be the future that you had planned. It's going to be a different future. You can't plant on land that doesn't exist and this land doesn't exist anymore. We're looking for greener pastures.
[00:50:27] Speaker B: And so I know we could talk for another few hours. We're that good of friends.
But this episode mods end and usually, as you well know, I have said ending questions that really don't feel apropos to this particular episode.
So I'm going to rely on you, my guest, to end the episode like you want to, because it is your impact for destroy.
[00:51:24] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh, Keith, I'm. I'm definitely getting misty now. Thank you so much for that. That is so sweet. Thank you for giving me a platform and a microphone and a way to communicate to a larger world.
And thank you for. Yeah, thank you for putting me center stage here.
I don't know if you remember this, but on the last episode I was on, we talked a little bit about Taylor Swift and because we were talking about how out there my ex and I were on social media, you know, you even mentioned it. Here are our pictures and videos and posts. We were so cute and I was so public facing with the relationship and we had talked about how Taylor Swift kind of does that as well, like we were talking about music and you know, she'll write a million love songs only to have those relationships end. And we were discussing like we actually brought it up. We all, we practically foreshadowed this episode because we, we brought up like, Will, like, if this all ends, would I regret being so out there about being in love? Will I regret, you know, having spoken so publicly about being in love with this person.
And now I, I am standing on the other side of, of that question and I can tell you, and I can tell people who are listening to this who might be like wondering, you know, should they feel ashamed of like their social media presence with their now ex partner. And the answer is no. Like, please continue to go out there and love with your entire heart.
Fall in love every chance you get. Be smart. Like, don't ignore red flags. We all do it. Don't ignore those. But like, don't, don't let something like this make you bitter. Don't let something like this make you feel like you don't deserve that big firework happy ending at the end of the movie. Like, keep living your life like you're in your favorite Taylor Swift video.
[00:53:35] Speaker B: Chad, it is always a honor to talk to you and to cut up and goof off with you off camera, but thank you for your bravery. Thank you for shedding light on a very serious and less often talked about subject that needs to be addressed more and more. It is a incredible honor and privilege to be your friend, colleague and advocate. And yet let's keep this trend going every season. You are always welcome.
You are one of my favorite people and at some point we'll do a bit showed on how we we met, which is absolutely hilarious and shows me in a very goofy light.
So maybe that will be the next palette cleanser episode. I don't know, I, I just feel very moved by every conversation we have. I'm getting midsty eyed and if I may say so, your kids are so incredibly lucky and Brad to have such incredible badass mother that they do. And I hope you know that and you believe in your own inner strength. Because I do and I, I pray for you all the time. You are your own meow, my friend. And I'm encouraged by everything you do.
[00:56:06] Speaker A: Thank you. So like, okay, you definitely pushed me over the edge and now I'm actually teary eyed.
[00:56:11] Speaker B: Yeah, I am. Too bad Judge all came out.
[00:56:19] Speaker A: But such a wonderful experience and I feel like even just having this conversation is also healing and I hope it does that for your listeners too. Thank you so much for having me on and definitely I will be back next season, hopefully with something lighter.
[00:56:36] Speaker B: I'll talk to you soon, my friends. Take care.
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